The Longest Week also became the longest one hour and twenty five minutes of my life, time I will never get back. It looked good, the blurb made it sound interesting and the reviews highlighted on the cover claimed it was ‘stunning' and ‘sharp'. It is neither. It is a profoundly indulgent piece of nonsense created in a weird ‘film noir' style that doesn't quite hit the mark.
Jason Bateman, from Arrested Development, Olivia Wilde and Billy Crupup are great actors but even they couldn't rescue this movie which is centred around Conrad Valmont who is a spoilt, under-employed heir to the Valmont Hotel fortune. The film is narrated and we soon discover that Conrad was more or less left to be raised by the hotel staff when, as a young boy, his parents decided to travel the world and just didn't bother coming back. Now all grown up, Conrad's life is turned upside down when his parents decide to divorce and boot him out of the hotel as neither want to fund his extravagant lifestyle. With only one friend to turn to, he promptly moves in with him and within about five seconds makes a move on his new girlfriend.
What proceeds is a crazy week where the two live out an almost entire lifes worth of a relationship in secret all while Conrad still finds the time to lie to his best friend, see his therapist on a daily basis, socialise and write a full novel – oh, and go to the theatre every day! Look, I don't expect movies to be wholly based in reality but this takes it to a epic new level of ridiculousness. Suffice to say I really didn't like it and was more than disappointed that I didn't turn it off twenty minutes in.
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